MY family

I miss my family & maybe that's the reason I came back to this blog after more than 3 months.

To be honest, I really don't remember when I last even felt like missing them in the 3 odd years since I left my home. It was back in June'05 when I finished my college and went out for a job in Chennai. I've spent not more than 3 months with them in the past 3 years & amazingly, I never felt or regretted that.

It was the excitement of school for 12 years which always used to make me wait eagerly for the Sundays to get over. Which made me brood over the idea of going out somewhere lest I miss my school. Then it was the craze of 4 years of college; the newly found freedom, newly born thoughts & newly born relationships. After college it was the new job, which came with the pleasure of money and a "personal" space amongst all the social mess of course. I didn't even realize how naturally I took "them" for granted or to be blunt, how simply I ignored "them".

Now I see people, I see parents with their children, I see cousins having fun together, I see families going out for vacations, I see Dads giving advices to their daughters, I see Moms caring about their sons & then a sudden sense of emptiness sinks in. Where has my family been all this time? Or where have I been for so long?

I don't care to call home at night cauz its too late & I'll feel sleepy in office the next day. Or its too early in the morning & I will get late for office. Then after a week when I somehow manage to make a call & that too after my Dad tells me that "Dont get your Mom worried, call her once in a while", my Mom tells me that she knew I would be busy with work and she's happy I could manage to call.

I have grown up. I am moving towards my goals. I am aspiring for success. I am following my hobbies. I am earning good money. I am visiting places. I am eating in nice restaurants. I am wearing branded clothes. I am almost half way through my life. I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad. I miss my grandparents. I miss fighting with my brother. I am writing crap ?

I dont wanna be a punching bag

Imagine yourself being constantly in the line of fire. Everyone around you seems to just shout at you, for no apparent reason. Each and every move of yours is kept under the microscope and you are criticized at all possible instances. You develop such a feeling of apprehension, that when you are not alone, you feel like being a part of a play, acting on stage, with a big audience watching you closely and you having that feeling of nervousness in your gut which constantly pricks you not to go wrong anytime during your act. Because you know, the moment you falter, the audience is either going to laugh or make some shrewd comment and you are going to be the punching bag.

Fundamentally, one can react in two different ways when presented with such a situation. The first one, which is widely preached and often the least practiced, is to be calm and let the dogs bark. You are told to ignore these filthy creatures around you and keep yourself calm and composed. Concentrate inwards rather than falling into the trap of this hostility around you. As Mr. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi once told, if the enemy slaps you on one cheek you present the other one in front of him. But at the same time, as Munnabhai told, you really don’t understand what to do when the enemy slaps on the other one too. According to me, there is a limit until which you can exhibit such a behavior. No one can keep on being calm when posed with such a situation without suppressing his self respect. Somewhere he will curse himself for being quiet when others were poking him unprovoked.

The other way, one which is widely practiced, is to hit back. An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth doesn’t matter if you leave half the world blind. Because it’s important to make the other person realize how exactly you feel when the same is inflicted upon you. He needs to taste his own medicine. He needs to realize that he just can’t keep on trampling you, as if you were some weak little puppy, at whom any bullish dog can just keep on barking. And supposedly, this boosts your confidence and induces a feeling of superior self respect.

However one may react to such a situation, what goes beyond my understanding is why do people behave this way? What pleasure do they get in unnecessarily condemning and keep on poking other people, who rarely do the same to them? Is it a result of weak self confidence in them which is making them to become aggressive for the sake of their own defense? Or is it because they themselves feel inferior in some way & to overcome that feeling they want to suppress their so called opponent in any possible way?

Apart from the occasional anger and disgust, mostly I feel pity for such people. They just can’t realize how much they are loosing by being like this. Maybe they are happy and contended in their own small world, but on the whole they are just living inside a box. They can’t see the happiness and pleasure one gets by being in harmony with people around him.

The selfish self

Some philosophers have declared selfishness as a righteous virtue for a person to possess. They say that selfishness is compulsory for a man to survive in the society. Closely thought, it sounds almost true. Each one of us is selfish in some respect. At one point or the other, we keep our interest and happiness at the top and then weigh everything against it. It happens so naturally that we barely realize it. One such example of being selfish is “falling to your temptations”

We might not pay heed to our religious scriptures since we are now living in a modern society, but somehow lately, I have started seeing a lot of relevance in things which I have read somewhere in some religious text. The most striking example of them all is the shloka (verse) in Geeta where Lord Krishna exemplifies the human life as a chariot of horses with the horses signifying the senses. He tells Arjuna that the greatest virtue which a man needs to possess in order to actually have a life is to keep in control the horses of this chariot, which incidentally is the hardest thing to do. The person who has control over his senses has control over everything in his life.

I often find myself falling to my temptations. I just give up to my needs, which in the present context symbolizes both selfishness & lack of self control. Its not that I always regret doing that but the regret somehow surfaces at a later stage. These temptations come in various different forms, some of them so petty that you will hardly see them as one. But in the end I know that I just couldn’t resist the urge. This is actually the time to pull the reigns of the horses. To keep them from wandering away wherever they want to. But as most good things in life are, its really tough to do.

Sometimes these temptations take a monstrous form and threaten to ruin everything you have. You detest yourself for being so weak and for hurting many kind souls just because you were not strong enough. At that time you realize how out of control your own self has gone. You can do nothing but brood over it.

All this may sound a bit deviated from the point at which the post started, but observing closely, it is just another dimension to being selfish.

18 + 7 = 25 & 25 +1 = 26

I am 26 years young today. 26 long years I have spent from the day I was born; that’s almost half of the total number of years I am probably going to live. Apart from one truth for which I remind myself again and again- I-am-getting-old – there are hundred other things which are crossing my mind today

• What exactly I have done in these 26 years?
• Can I really say that I have “lived” all this time?
• Where do I exactly stand given my past and keeping my future in perspective?

Believe me, I get very interesting (sometimes funny too) answers when I ask these questions from myself. So much has happened in this time that Its hard to believe I really lived through all that. While there are things for which I find myself too young there are still others which have embedded a lot of maturity in me.

At this juncture I just stand still; wondering what’s next. I distinctly remember the day I turned 19. At that time I missed not being 18 anymore. I get more or less the same feeling today – I-miss-being-25 – feeling. 26 somehow sounds a lot more “old”; 25 was a bit respectableJ. I suppose the next time I will get the same feeling, I would be 51.

Anyways, it’s yet another “happy” birthday & everyone except me is excited about it. Maybe all these years have drained out the emotion of “Birthday excitement” from my heart. This day has now started bringing in more worries than happiness. Maybe its momentary or maybe I am just thinking too much. Whatever it is, on this day, 26 years ago, I made my entry and I will make sure that time before the exit will be worth remembering; not only for me but for everyone who is somehow connected to this “26 year old”

Its a lonely world

It is strange. When I was alone I craved for company. I was dying to be among people whom I can call my ‘own’. But once that happened, once I was back, things were not actually that great. You can simply call it human nature to miss what it doesn’t have, but the truth is that I am resenting not being alone anymore. People are much better when they are ‘not’ with you. Once you have all the time in the world to spend with each other, the love and the harmony just vanishes. It doesn’t matter how deadly the separation was, once you are together, things just become plain bland.

I want to be alone again; away from everything else, everyone else. I know it sounds crazy, but I really want to do that. I want to go to some place where none knows me, where I can be myself. No one is stopping me for being myself now also, but the conditions somehow are not allowing me. Lets hope these turbulent thoughts settle down soon.

Where is God hiding?

When God created earth and then life on earth, he created all sorts of creatures; animals, birds, insects, humans and million other forms. All the creatures were satisfied with this fabulous gift God has given them, so they didn't care much and were happy in their environment. They were thankful to God and never cared to go back to him and ask for more. But among them, Humans were an exception. They always kept on troubling God for something or the else. God, I want this. God, I want that. Also among humans, children were the front-runners, as their's were the most number of requests reaching God.

So one day, fed up from all this trouble, God called a meeting of all his counselors. He explained the problem to them and asked for a viable solution. God said,"My dear Counselors, these Humans have made my life hell. I don't get time to do anything, because I am always busy listening to their prayers. I am not even able to sleep peacefully. Please suggest me a place where I can go and hide. A place which will be difficult for these Humans to access."

So, the counselors came up with their suggestions:-
One said, "Go and hide on Mount Everest"
God sighed and replied, "Comeon Boss. Dont you know people like Edmund Hilary and Tensing? They have already conquered Everest. I cannot go there !!"

Another suggested,"You can go and hide on the moon"
Gode puffed and replied,"Hello!! Neil Armstrong has already left his footprint there. So, others may follow soon. Rejected !!!"

Then one of the wisest counselors of God came and whispered something in God's ears. After listening to him, God's face beamed and everyone was surprised to see the happiness on his face. At the same time, they were eager to know the suggestion made by the wise counselor. Once the hype died, God rose to announce the place he was going to reside in. He told:-

"I am going to live in the heart of human beings. That is the safest place. People will be busy searching for me in Churches, Temples, Mosques, Gurdwaras and other places, but they will seldom peep into their own heart to find me. Seldom will they realize that the real place to search for me is their own heart. So I will go and live there"

Uncertainty

The only thing which is ‘constant’ is ‘change’; they say. Only thing ‘certain’ is ‘uncertainty’ would be a definite corollary; and I am a living witness of that. I have seen so many certainties bubble into a vicious uncertainty that I am no longer certain of my faith in the certainty of anything on this earth being certain. ( [sigh] What on earth made me write the last sentence)

Uncertainty can hit you in various forms. The most popular of all being - “The unexpected uncertainty”. This form is when you are certain that something would happen and suddenly the bubble bursts. All you can do after this is spread your eyes and open your mouth in awe. You can’t believe that something which looked so certain that you actually felt and ‘celebrated’ it’s happening, is no longer there. You curse the reasons and you hate the factors which led to such a painful transition. But, there is nothing else you can do. You have to accept it, with a broken heart and a bruised soul.

The second one, which according to me is a bit less ‘heart rendering’, is “The unknown uncertainty”. This is the case when the outcome of something is unknown or hazy. You have done your bit, but you don’t know what will hit you in return. You are certain of some parts of the result, but in totality, the outcome still evades you. You just wait, as if staring in dark and waiting for something to emerge; something which no one knows. This uncertainty sometimes makes the whole gestation period interesting. All you have with you is a ‘pregnant’ silence or in some cases a ‘pregnant situation’. You never know what will come out.

Human mind has devised a very good cure for all the wounds the heart receives – God. Here are a couple of statements I often hear people saying, when hit hard by uncertainties

• Whatever happens is God’s will.
• Whatever happens; happens for the best.
• God opens two doors when he closes one.

Blah blah blah …

God has done whatever he wanted to. What about the scar the heart will have once the wound is healed by God’s cure? That scar, that pain, and a hidden sense of regret, which we deliberately overlook for some pseudo-happiness, will never ever go.

Rules

After a long deep thinking session of around 5 minutes, I think I have discovered the following ‘tested & working” ways to keep yourself happy:-

• Live in the present. Don’t give a duck about the past or the future. What has happened you cant change and what is going to happen you cant change much of that too (though many self-help-book-reading maniacs will differ on this), so to live the present moment to the fullest & you will never be sad for another second.
• Time to time reflect back on your life and remember all those times when you were really happy. When something really good happened to you or when you got rewarded for something good. Suddenly, you will feel a rush of happiness gushing thru your viens.
• Always take out time to do things you love to do. Be it dancing like animals, eating out at your fav place, watching movies or any wild thing on earth. Never hesitate for following your passions.
• Always laugh out loud, from deep within your heart. Be with people who make you do that. We don’t realize, but without laughing, our life stinks like a room which hasn’t been exposed to sunlight for months. If you cant have the company of such people, then be one.
• Stop having expectations from people. The more you expect from someone, the more you will get hurt. If you don’t expect anything, every thing done by everyone else will be a pleasant surprise. Even if they don’t do something, you will never realize, cauz u didn’t expect anything.
• Finally, remember that every passing second reduces your life span by a fraction. Every passing day is one unit less from the total allocated to you. Then why the duck u need to spend it worrying, crying, thinking and being sad. Nothing is worthy enough to make you waste your time worrying on.

What is gone, was never yours. What is yours, you will get anyways. So what is there to think about. Give the best to the present moment and you will always get fabulous returns from life.

(Someone please come and make me believe and follow all this :) )

Being a D00d

Thinking deeply and observing a bit more closely than we normally do, all of us will realize that we are essentialy, “Alone”. By alone I don’t mean that we don’t have anyone around us to talk, or to share things. What I mean is no matter how close you consider a person to be, at some point or the other he/she will make you feel that you are all by yourself. That may happen unintentionally too, but it happens for sure. In the end, its your inner self only which we will be there to console you when you are all broken and down. And the person, due to which you are having those feelings inside, will be completely ignorant about all this & sometimes will be deliberately ignorant too. You may get frustrated and you will try your best not to think about him, but more u try to throw those things out, more they will return and hit you harder.

Ant its not that you always are on the receiving end. Sometimes you exchange positions and make others feel exactly the same. Hence, this applies to one and all. When some people say that they live in present and don’t care about what happened yesterday and don’t worry about what is going to happen tomorrow, their attitude seems to be a bit unnerving to me. But frankly speaking, they are the happiest people in the world. That’s actually the way to live, to be happy. I cannot idealize someone with that behavior, but a close friend of mine, D00d, is the nearest match. I hope I could change myself to be like that. But due to some close people, whom I love way too much and to whom I have attached myself so strongly (maybe the reverse is not true), I am not able to do the desired. After all, not all of us are’D00ds’ and not all of us are made the same way.

Awakening of the DeViL

What happens when you suddenly start getting tempted towards all those things which you have abhorred for long? Suddenly you file like listening to the ‘wrong’ you, knowing very well that it is certainly the darker side of you inner self. All your long cherished principles seem to look like unnecessary shackles and you crave to break away free from all of them. You stand in a state of dilemma and cant decide on anything.

This is the awakening of the inner devil, which tempts you to submit yourself to prohibition. Your will weakens and you start bending in front of the dark lord. This is the time when the Satan takes over and you are no longer your normal self. You cant explain your actions and constantly you act contrary to your normal behavior. Each day the same voice echoes in your empty head “Welcome to HELL”

Death is real

Death!!! You don’t know how real it can be until you see it. You always keep on hearing the crap ... "Death is a reality", "No once can escape death" and all other shit. But these words don’t sink in until ‘it’ crosses your face, until someone you love; dies, until you come to know that someone whom you knew, someone close to you or someone a part of your loved one’s life is gone. People die, and leave behind a void, which can never ever be filled. His near and dear ones will feel his absence forever. He leaves behind the sorrow, the emptiness, the memories, the grief and the never ending ifs and buts. People console, shed a few tears & eventually forget. Life waits for none. But the burden of death, of someone’s absence, someone’s memories is carried lifelong by some unfortunate few.

God does everything for a reason … to hell with the reason; to hell with God and to hell with all the prayers and wishes. What the fuck does God get by creating such painful and pathetic conditions? What good does he do to the family whose support he has taken away? What good has he done to the people who will bear the never ending pain? Nothing, nothing at all. This is not atheism, as some so called believers will preach. This is reality. God is nothing but a hypothetical support for the weak human mind. A means to console our weeping hearts, to support our weak souls, to find a respite for all the problems which daunt us forever. How can someone who is supposed to be a savior bring so much pain on his own children? People will justify with comments like, “God judges you through such situations”, “Everyone who has come, has to go”, and all other never ending crap. But reality is understood by those who see it, who bear the brunt, who feel it and see it on their face. They know what has happened, what has gone, what will never be the same again, no matter how much time passes away, no matter how many new layers of memories cover up the wound. The feeling will remain fresh forever. The feeling of absence. Absence of someone we loved, we loved so much that we never thought that he might be gone some day, without even giving a hint to anyone. Who will suddenly vanish in thin air, leaving us totally helpless. We had to talk to him one more time, we had to say things we always thought we will say some other day; we had to tell him that we love him so much that once he is gone, we will feel so frustratingly pathetic that we couldn’t stop ourselves from shedding a tear each time we think of him.

Live for today, live for NOW. There is no tomorrow. Whatever needs to be done, needs to be now. We never know when he will pull the string. So get up now and tell all your loved ones how much you really care, maybe tomorrow it will be too late.

Parting is painful

Parting for all of us is most of the times, 'painful'. But has any of you felt a little bit of pain when someone whom you really didn't like or someone with whom you really didn't click, left you and went away? When he/she was with you, you really didnt care about his/her presence. But his absence is bothering you. Maybe only momentarily, but it is.
Same thing happened to me today. I felt that pain, a little trickle of emotion in my heart, a faint sense of sorrow. We spent around 2 months together, most of the times arguing on our different perceptions for things, our conflicting choices and on hundred other issues. I didn't 'liked' him as such and many of his habits pestered me to frustration. But inspite of all this i never developed any sense of hatred.
Today he left & maybe I wont be meeting him again, ever. Cauz, maybe both of us wont take the pain to contact each other when we are in the same city. But his departure made my heart heavy. For a moment i wished that he wont go or that he may come back soon. But i knew, that wont happen. I am repeatedly reminded of him since morning & that feels very weird.
Maybe we dont realize that we will miss someone, untill they are gone.

What crap !!!

It’s quite difficult to keep yourself patient and composed when you don’t know where you are going to put your next step. When darkness of uncertainty is all you can see lying ahead on your path. They say one is the creator of one’s own destiny, but many times in our lives, as most of us will certainly testify, our fate and destiny is shaped by decisions which others take and we have no other option than to quietly accept it. What are we supposed to do at that time? When all we can do is just waiting for what someone else decides for you.

I get to see contrasting shades in this fantastic fabric of human life. On one hand I can see careless or shall I say carefree souls, wandering about in their own sense of aloofness, in their self created world of joy, least bothered of what’s going to happen next. I call them the “Free souls”. On the other hand I see people completely dedicated, focused and determined to walk on a single path. Though honestly, I have rarely come across such people. Is it because I am bad at spotting them or is their number too less to be noticed? To be absolutely frank, I am equally attracted by either kind, although I don’t really know that to which class I belong.

Staying focused is really a tough ask. But that’s what bears fruits for you. There are times when you feel a sudden rush of adrenaline which pumps up your spirits and you think that nothing is unachievable for you. But it soon fades and you are back to your normal lazy self.

What crap am I writing? Am I thinking too much? Or am only thinking for that matter? I hate this side of mine, the philosophical one. Amir is right in telling me – “Dude, you think too much. Enjoy life as it comes” Or maybe me inner self is right in constantly whispering to me – “Man !!! Its time for you to come out of your thoughts and really do something.”

Excess leads to wastage

Last week my office was shifted to a new location outside the city. The duration of travel, which was previously five to ten minutes has now increased to 2 hours. Suddenly, I find myself scarce of time. But there is something very unusual which I have noticed wrt my daily routine. Previously, when I used to have hell lot of time, both at home and in office, most of time was spent either sleeping, or watch TV or if in office, hanging out in the cafeteria with other friends. But now I have to get into the cab early at 0630 in the morning and I reach office by 8. Then in the evening, I have to start from office at 1700. So during these 9 hours at office, I have to complete all my work, post some stupid blogs like this in between and do all the other official work. After reaching home at 1900, I have to spend 70 odd minutes at the gym, do the daily studies (which are not regular anyways), cook something for dinner and then sleep timely so that I can get up on time. In the midst of such a tight schedule I don’t have time to sit idle or waste it on petty things. I am utilizing my time much more effectively now. I find time to read in the newspaper (morning cab), to read some books (evening cab time), regularly going to the gym (its easier to be regular in the evenings) and a bit of studies too.
Hence from all this and many other examples from my life, I have learnt this lesson. The more we have, the more we tend to waste. When the water is plenty, we take 2 buckets to bathe, but when there is a scarcity, we can manage in half a bucket too. When we have plenty of food, we overeat or tend to waste it. But when its in shortage, we relish each and every bite. Same applies to time too. When we have plenty of it, we have time to feel bored, to be frustrated, to think about faaltu things which otherwise wont cross our mind. But when our day is packed, we tend to complete all tasks to perfection and also, we feel contended and complete at the end of the day. So all this hassle and busyness, which I got due to this shift in office location, has in a way come as a boon in disguise. I thank myself and my office for keeping me so so so busy.

Apna Sapna – Money Money

Why is money so important in life? No matter what we say, no matter how unworldly we consider our selves, no matter how detached we project ourselves from material bonding, all of us need “more” money. Till now, the extent to which money mattered in my life was that I needed it for eating out, going for movies & some occasional gifting. Everything else was taken care by my mom and dad. But now as I have got a tag of “Self proficient” pasted on my forehead, the entire headache is mine. Now I have to think about where and how much to spend. How I’ll manage my savings, where shall I invest, how to save tax and all other monetary crap. Also, most importantly I have started worrying about how much others are spending and earning. OMG, Aakash has got a bonus. Holy shit, Pradeep gets 10k as allowance every month, and the list goes on.

Is that really worth thinking? How does it matter who is earning how much? Will they give me something if they earn so much? Or will I start earning more if I keep on worrying bout their earnings? But we tend to think this way, no matter how much we denounce the thought. Money is one thing which is the source of around 75% of our daily quota of worrisome thoughts. (Remember that old saying? All the feuds in this world have two main causes – money & woman). Everyone is thinking how to earn more, save more and at the same time, to spend no less. Shall I put my money in Stocks … shall I invest it in gold … shall I put it in real estate … blah blah blah …

Its been 2 years now (Approx 21 salaries) since I’m earning, and to be absolutely honest, I haven’t invested even a single rupee anywhere. Maybe this financial wisdom has not dawning upon me yet. Waiting for the time I’ll start saving … for a better future. All this reminds me of one very funny quote “Saving policies ensure that u save your entire life, living miserly, so that eventually, you die rich”

Determination Determines

Daily we hear or read a lot of quotes which really inspire us. We like them, pin them up on the board, keep them as status on our messengers and then in a day or two, replace them with another good one. The first them gets gradually erased from our mind and finally we forget it completely. But the title of this post is a quote, to which I really gave some serious thought. “Determination Determines” – this is such a real truth. Determination and Discipline is what determines the outcome of most of our endeavors. If carefully thought, both these words are almost synonymous. They kind of co-exist. If one is there, the other will automatically come.

All this sounds so inspiring and correct, but only till its time to do some implementation. Once it comes to actions, we tend to succumb to our own temptations. Just for example, I’m trying to shed some weight for the past 4-5 years. One thing or the other always postponed my plans of joining a gym. In college it was the pressure of studies (only hypothetical) and my Dad’s refusal, which stopped me from going to that very much worshipped self proclaimed fitness temple. Now that finally I have enough money and some time too, l think its lack of determination and self discipline which is stopping me. For the past 3 months I’m religiously paying the 730 bucks but hardly attending the gym 20 days a month. Sometimes I’m too lazy to wake up in the morning, sometimes its office which creates an unavoidable situation & sometimes I end up too tired to do anything. Bit I really feel that if someone really wants to do something, no one can stop him from that. Then I’m forced to think that if I really lack determination?

Exactly like this very moment, every second day I fill up my heart with determination and decide that my life will change from tomorrow. But as they say .. Tomorrow never comes !!!!

The BIG choice

A time comes in our life when we need to decide on something BIG. Where we have two options to choose from, whose degree of temptation is inversely proportional to the degree of benefit they can bring to you. And most of us just do the utterly predictable, go after the more luring one. There can be many reasons for us to act this way. Firstly, we might be naive enough not to see the real good thing. Secondly, we choose one over the other cauz the former is giving instantaneous rewards or just because the first is a much easier way to walk on. But the future is always uncertain. You never know where that choice of yours can lead you to. Honestly speaking, as everyone of us has realized at some point in our lives, we are nothing but the choices we make. I chose to write a blog at this point of time, thats why I'm letting people know whats going on in my mind. You chose to read it, so you wasted 5 precious minutes of your life on this useless thing.

I, like everyone else, am confronted with a lot of choices daily. But as self loathing as it can get, i never embark upon the correct ones. Knowing whats wrong and what right or rather what'll make me happy and what'll sadden me, i seldom choose the correct path. I have in a way found happiness and solace in self contempt. I have found peace with the feeling of not doing anything. Even after knowing that the path I'm walking on wont lead me anywhere, I'm happily toddling on it. Maybe one day I'll die with my dreams buried in my heart. Only because i didn't have enough courage and will to pursue them.

Can you answer this?

Yesterday I was reading a book "The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari". Its really a nice book which makes you think. While going through it I found a really intriguing comment made by the author. It read,

"The Key to eternal happiness is Find out what you truly love to do and then devote all your energy towards it "

After reading this, I was forced to question myself, "Whats that one thing which I'll love to do?" Though there are many things I really love to do and can continue doing for hours at a stretch without even bothering for my meals (I mentioned that cauz meals are one of the most important events of my day ), but I cant really make a living out of that. Say for example, I love cooking, but that doesnt mean i quit my job and become a chef. I love travelling, photography, surfing the net, but these things cant earn me a living.

The job which I'm doing right now is more a thing by chance than by choice. Got selected through campus, got into a S/W company & the company decided that I have to work for a Bank. Is this what i really love to do? Certainly not. If that would have been the case, I wouldnt be feeling sleepy daily after lunch, I wouldnt be counting days left for the weekend, I wouldnt be frowning watching the calendar shwing yet another Monday. Then Whats that I really want?

Do you have an answer for this? Do you know something you love so much that you can devote all your time towards it? And most importantly, are you courageous enough to quit what you are doing right now and switch over to that thing? I get really confused when i ask these questions to myself. What about you?