Constant Conflict

I dont remember a single day when I didnt have a fight with myself, a day when i didnt condemn myself for something, a day when i didnt feel guilty of doing something which i thought wasnt good for me. These matters of concern can range from what I'm eating, to how much I'm spending, to how I'm spending my time and what not. As the title of the blog suggests, i really feel sometimes, "Is this the way to live?"

The expectations are huge, not those which others have from me, rather the ones which i'm having from myself. But maybe the thoughts outnumber the actions. Its more of thinking than doing. For the past 6+ years I'm constantly waiting for that right day to arrive when i'll start working towards what i need. Where exactly does the confusion lie? Is the goal not clear? It is. Is there a scarcity or resources? No. Is time posing a constraint? Definitely not. Then what? Maybe lack of that burning desire, that thirst for success, lack of motivation, I really cant understand. Just drifting through life, without any zeal, any energy, any joy. Walking the path i never chose to walk on, sailing aimlessly towards a destination whcih I'm completely unaware of. Just floating with the life's currents, not making any attempt to resist, to make my own way, to have my own say.

I remember one of my childhood quotes "The easiest thing in this world is to advise". I read this when I was in 6th standard, but never really got hold of it's real meaning. But today i can pose myself as a perfect example of these words. Giving lenghty advises, tons of encouragement, loads of positive thoughts, is something i am best at. If you want to hear all the good philosophies about life, about living happily, about motivation, then i promise i wont disappoint you. Someone very close to me once said these words "All he has is Words". Maybe he knew me the best.

Imagine yourself standing in a function where you see people standing besides you climbing up the stage, one by one, getting rewards for all the good they've done, for all the success they've achived, and you, just clapping and applauding for them. Clapping and appreciating all the way through, watching the happiness on other's faces, the pride on the faces of their parents, dreaming one day you'd be there, and then clapping again. Shedding a tear here and there, in other's succeess, other's happiness and then in your own sorrow. Finally the function is over & you move out with a pain in your heart, just to be present there next time someone gets rewarded, to be present to clap again, to applaud again, to dream again & to cry again.

The hardest thing to do, for me at least, is to materialise my dreams. Everyone dreams of making it big, but only some actualy do it. Rest of them, like me, stand in the audience to sigh at our own failure. A failure which I designed and planned for mtself . A failure which I got because I didnt have the courage to act, because I didnt possess enough strength to endure the pain of hard work, because I was always comfortable in the way I was living, never wanted to take the pains of giving up the leisures. I see people rising, people who were with me one day, people who are in no way different from me, then I talk about them, with astonishment; "Hey! you know Rahul got a call from all 6 IIMs", "Yaar, a friend of my cousin got a persentile of 99.9"; and finally I dream again, I dream to be in that league one day, i decide to work from tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes.

Yeh hai meri kahani, khamosh zindagani. Sounds boring right? Some chapter out of tragedy novel. Some words from a speech of a loser, a discouraged and an unmotivated soul. But thats what I feel for myself. I know its negative, i know it wont help, i know it wont take me anywhere, but still its the way I've chosen to think, chosen to live. Because life is nothing, but a sequence of Choices. and my choices are definitely not the correct ones.