Good bye

I saw you standing at a distance,
And I knew it was you.
I saw you smiling at someone,
And I knew it was you.
I saw you hopping around like a butterfly,
And I knew it was you.
You didn´t even notice me staring at you,
But I knew it was you.

Then the day came when I met you
and saw deep into your eyes.
I couldnt help myself
but stare at that magical smile

Never realised I was falling in love
till I knew you were already engaged.
Each passing day was pain like hell
to see you showering love on someone else.
I saw you holding his hand,
I saw you waiting for him,
I saw you sleeping on his shoulder,
I saw you crying for him.

But I held my ground
till you knew that I Loved You,
I stood firm
till you believed that it was me.
I was there for you always
till you said you love me too.

It was magic then onwards
and we were playing in paradise.
Time flew like a bird
and we cruised happily through life.

Then the devil struck
and there were tears all around.
Hell had broken hard on us
and I knew you were gone.
It was never the same
as I realized what I had lost.
You never turned back to me
and I too was lost in my world.

Today I see you going again,
Far far away from anything we had.
Going to another world
Where there wont even be a trace of me.
I cant say if I am happy
neither can I say I am sad !!
I just feel I have lost something
Which actually I never had !!

- Anonymous

Give me the truth

Sometimes I try to give meaning to all this happening around me, or rather to all that I am doing. Each passing day adds a million more moments to my life, scores of more memories. Some of which will cling with me for a lifetime and some which will fade away sooner than I will ever realize. I am "living" this life each passing day.

Living - now that is an interesting thing to do. We live; through a hundred different things we do - by going to our job, by eating three times a day, by talking to our friends, by being with our family (lucky few), by having sex when we want to (applicable to yet fewer), by spending money on things we wish to have, by being happy in our loved ones' happiness, by being sad in their sorrow. Each of our lives is a sum of some or all of these sundry activities which supposedly define our life.

A week back we were in school, a couple of days earlier we were enjoying in college and it was only yesterday when we stepped in our first office. Time's running away so quickly. I cant slow it down even if I want to. Tomorrow, it will be time to get married; let someone else enter your personal space and scan through what all has happened with you till date and then ask questions. Then, spend a day explaining to her about things you don't even remember happened sometime in your life and before you can realize, the day is over and you are going to be a father. Then spend another week taking care of your children and suddenly when the weekend passes by you find yourself sitting in an armchair enjoying your retirement and reflecting upon the way you "lived" your life.

Why are you doing this? Why am "I" doing this? Why are we just moving around in this endless loop ? Just because an ideal man should do all this to be a part of the society, I too am obliged to follow it? Where am I in all this? Where does my opinion matter among all these rules and predefined structs of a civilized human society?

I see people lying in ruins on the sidewalks, I see others fixing a crappy nuclear deal somewhere, I see yet more being ruled by their spouses and yet managing to be "happy", and then some more fighting for packets of food standing in waist high flood waters. What? What are you doing? Why are you sleeping?

Dont give me this shit. Dont give me love, respect, emotions, money, relationships !! Dont give me tears, smiles, laughters, screams & moanings!! Dont give me dads, moms, uncles & cousins!! Dont give me Ram, Rahim or Jesus!!

Give me the truth. Yes !! Give me the truth.

Before I Die

There are a couple of things I wish to do before I close my eyes forever. There is no laminated list as such, but if I start thinking, the following points would make a rough list

• Graffiti
• River rafting
• Rock climbing
• Camping alone in the wild
• Grow long hair
• Drive a car
• See Ireland

And last but not the least, know this damn ducker of a person called Pratosh Dwivedi.

MY family

I miss my family & maybe that's the reason I came back to this blog after more than 3 months.

To be honest, I really don't remember when I last even felt like missing them in the 3 odd years since I left my home. It was back in June'05 when I finished my college and went out for a job in Chennai. I've spent not more than 3 months with them in the past 3 years & amazingly, I never felt or regretted that.

It was the excitement of school for 12 years which always used to make me wait eagerly for the Sundays to get over. Which made me brood over the idea of going out somewhere lest I miss my school. Then it was the craze of 4 years of college; the newly found freedom, newly born thoughts & newly born relationships. After college it was the new job, which came with the pleasure of money and a "personal" space amongst all the social mess of course. I didn't even realize how naturally I took "them" for granted or to be blunt, how simply I ignored "them".

Now I see people, I see parents with their children, I see cousins having fun together, I see families going out for vacations, I see Dads giving advices to their daughters, I see Moms caring about their sons & then a sudden sense of emptiness sinks in. Where has my family been all this time? Or where have I been for so long?

I don't care to call home at night cauz its too late & I'll feel sleepy in office the next day. Or its too early in the morning & I will get late for office. Then after a week when I somehow manage to make a call & that too after my Dad tells me that "Dont get your Mom worried, call her once in a while", my Mom tells me that she knew I would be busy with work and she's happy I could manage to call.

I have grown up. I am moving towards my goals. I am aspiring for success. I am following my hobbies. I am earning good money. I am visiting places. I am eating in nice restaurants. I am wearing branded clothes. I am almost half way through my life. I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad. I miss my grandparents. I miss fighting with my brother. I am writing crap ?