That state of mind, yet again

Too many ambitions, too many things to do, too many plans in my minds, too much tiredness, too many self-expectations, too much of inspiration, too many role models to follow .. am going crazy, again.

The good news among all this is finally I've got a plan, or maybe a couple of them. Maybe it is only the rush of the moment or maybe the travel of the last two weeks is taking it's toll but I feel really drained of energy. I feel like going invisible and its that same feeling of restlessness and depression creeping in.

This existential crisis is nothing new but each time has a bigger magnitude. Every new idea intrigues me and I feel like jumping into it. Every higher level of existence seems so much satisfying that I feel myself useless at my own level. So much to do, so much to learn, so much to recuperate. I feel like running out of time or maybe I myself am running through the time without doing anything :) Feel like taking a break, but a break from what?

I need a cleanup ... need to trash old rotting ideas and rotting memories. Need to remove all the negativity and maybe, yet again, need some resolutions :)

Nahi rakhta dil mein kuch

Nahi rakhta dil mein kuch,
Rakhta hoon zubaan par,
samjhe na apne bhi kabhi.
Kah nahi sakta main kya,
sahtaa hoon chupa kar,
Ek aesi aadat hai meri


Raste na badle na badla jahan,
Phir kyon badalte kadam hain yahan

Wanted - Friends!!!

There are times in life when you need someone who can listen without having prejudices and can understand what really is going on inside you. Someone who doesnt question your decisions, rather tries to undertand why you did, what you did. Someone who doesnt laugh or make fun of things which dont make sense to the rest of the world but are perfectly logical for you. Someone who can tell you "I understand" and really does. Someone who can peek inside you and see the storm brewing, and instead of adding to the intensity can guide you safely towards the shore.

You have people around, but most of them have some reason or the other for not being the person you want them to be. There are women, who can listen to you and advise you, but you know that in reality they want something else, so you know its not worth talking. Then there are men, who are so lost in their own sense of masculinity and their own "higher" level of existence that talking to them is like loosing your self confidence.

I miss Aakash ... I miss Amit ... I miss my friend Amir ... I miss talking to them, I miss opening my heart in front of them, I miss explaining them how much they mean to me. At times when I feel alone, when I feel I need to talk to someone, when I feel I am being killed by all that I have in my mind, I find myself alone; being stared upon by hundreds of people as someone who has "changed", as someone who "is not the same", as someone who "doesnt appear like the person he really is", as a liar, as a cheater, as someone who cant be trusted upon.

I need friends ... anyone?