18 + 7 = 25 & 25 +1 = 26

I am 26 years young today. 26 long years I have spent from the day I was born; that’s almost half of the total number of years I am probably going to live. Apart from one truth for which I remind myself again and again- I-am-getting-old – there are hundred other things which are crossing my mind today

• What exactly I have done in these 26 years?
• Can I really say that I have “lived” all this time?
• Where do I exactly stand given my past and keeping my future in perspective?

Believe me, I get very interesting (sometimes funny too) answers when I ask these questions from myself. So much has happened in this time that Its hard to believe I really lived through all that. While there are things for which I find myself too young there are still others which have embedded a lot of maturity in me.

At this juncture I just stand still; wondering what’s next. I distinctly remember the day I turned 19. At that time I missed not being 18 anymore. I get more or less the same feeling today – I-miss-being-25 – feeling. 26 somehow sounds a lot more “old”; 25 was a bit respectableJ. I suppose the next time I will get the same feeling, I would be 51.

Anyways, it’s yet another “happy” birthday & everyone except me is excited about it. Maybe all these years have drained out the emotion of “Birthday excitement” from my heart. This day has now started bringing in more worries than happiness. Maybe its momentary or maybe I am just thinking too much. Whatever it is, on this day, 26 years ago, I made my entry and I will make sure that time before the exit will be worth remembering; not only for me but for everyone who is somehow connected to this “26 year old”

Its a lonely world

It is strange. When I was alone I craved for company. I was dying to be among people whom I can call my ‘own’. But once that happened, once I was back, things were not actually that great. You can simply call it human nature to miss what it doesn’t have, but the truth is that I am resenting not being alone anymore. People are much better when they are ‘not’ with you. Once you have all the time in the world to spend with each other, the love and the harmony just vanishes. It doesn’t matter how deadly the separation was, once you are together, things just become plain bland.

I want to be alone again; away from everything else, everyone else. I know it sounds crazy, but I really want to do that. I want to go to some place where none knows me, where I can be myself. No one is stopping me for being myself now also, but the conditions somehow are not allowing me. Lets hope these turbulent thoughts settle down soon.